Tuesday, September 6, 2011

An Unexpected Relationship Coach

"When life happens to you, the worst thing you can do is stop holding onto God."
Holy Ghost Quote
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Yet, that is exactly the approach Naomi takes in the book of Ruth. Widowed, childless in old age, embattled and bitter, she begins the trek back to Bethlehem from Moab, the place where she had been stationed for at least a decade due to her family leaving Bethlehem during famine and her husband choosing to marry "heathen women" and set up house after their father's death. Naomi changed her name to Mara, which meant bitter, feeling as though God had dealt her a bad hand in life.

You may be feeling the same way, as if the wind has been knocked out of you, and just when you manage to steady yourself, you find another set of circumstances pressing in on you: bills, loans, foreclosure, children who no longer seek your advice but continually look to you as their bailout plan. You may even be like Naomi, in the middle of a forced or difficult transition.

They say misery loves company but clearly that was not the case for Naomi, who urged both of her newly widowed daughters-in-law to return to their own families. When Naomi returned to her hometown, she wasn't the same. I would venture to say that the real Naomi was buried underneath some anger, frustration, hopelessness, and grief. Meeting someone in the middle of relocating their household doesn't give you a good picture of who they really are. Yet, in all this Naomi became a most unlikely relationship coach. 

Ruth, the Moabitess had returned with Naomi, taking the God of the Jews as her very own. I must ask this question: can people see enough God in you even when your feelings are all over the place to follow the God you serve? Most young women I know would have taken one look at Naomi and headed in the opposite direction. I have come to realize that sometimes God positions us to make the bitter better. Left to her own devices, who knows what may have come of Naomi?

Even in Naomi's grief, she sought joy, wellness, health, and comfort for Ruth (read Ruth 3). What a mentor! Ruth wasn't the "younger woman" in the way of Naomi's Cougar escapades--no, Naomi saw Ruth as a way to extend the family line and preserve the family for future generations. She didn't see Ruth as a rival but as a reservoir of support and care to her. Naomi was still of marriageable age, but that was not her aim in life. Instead, she patiently coached Ruth into a blessed life, so blessed, that she became apart of the lineage of Christ. 

Naomi taught Ruth some lessons that I will admit I took hold of myself as a single woman: 

1. Prepare to be found
2. Pursue the directions God gives
3. Perceive the right timing
4. Position Yourself
5. Wait until he acknowledges you

There is nothing like finding the right person and you are not ready. It's like finding the perfect prom dress the night after the prom. The timing is all off. The same thing can happen in relationships. You may not be ready to handle to responsibility or the attitude of selflessness that is required in a  serious relationship or in a marriage. 

Ruth didn't let the generational gap between her and Naomi be a barrier but a bridge. She listened to the advice given her. The method was not traditional due to the fact there was no male to stand in to negotiate for Ruth, but even in that God maintained and protected her reputation. Like Naomi, God can use your harsh reality in His hands and your life experiences as wisdom to guide a younger generation. Don't shut down the wisdom you could pour into the younger generation because of a wounded past. Let God heal you so you can help others by your testimony. Once Naomi realized that Boaz could redeem her family's name, she chose to be faithful to the purpose of uniting Boaz and Ruth, rather than drown in her grief. 

As a result of her coaching, Naomi (who I believe represented the Holy Spirit) was able to guide Ruth (the Bride) to Boaz (representative of Christ, our Kinsman redeemer) and God blessed the union. I thank God for every relationship coach that entered my life, that showed what to do and what not to do. I am a better wife because of it!






Monday, July 18, 2011

High Maintenance or High Expectations?

Before I begin, I'd like to dedicate this post to the lovely ladies I used to teach. This is a subject that is very dear to their heart and continues to be an issue in our society at large.

"She wanted me to buy her dinner."
"She wanted me to open the door for her. It's 2011, not 1911."
"I don't want anything to do with her. She's too high maintenance."
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Is it just me, or is our current society sinking into the vortex of every man for him or herself? As I read various magazines to stay "in the know" and be aware of what is current events, whether that be sports, politics, world news, or entertainment, I find myself innundated with articles on what's wrong with women, how we can better please our man, how we can find a man, how we can keep a man, how we can make the relationship more entertaining, how we can be more appealing...are you getting the point?

Our society has relegated all the fault, problems, and responsibility for a relationship to the female gender. It takes two to make a relationship work; to be exact, it takes three: God really should be guiding the relationship you are engaged in. If we take our cue from the media as women, we will find ourselves labled as high-maintenance if you expect what should be common courtesy in a relationship. As an African-American woman, I find us misrepresented as vixens, hypersexual, with our only intent to be pampered for an intimate rendezvous in return. I am disturbed that this image is being perpetuated through magazines that are supposed to represent me as an African- American woman.

I encourage every woman to know her worth in God, not just what she feels about herself (because that can be an incomplete view) but what God says about you. I believe many times women are labeled high maintenance when in actuality, they hold a standard or a high expectation. I am not speaking of the Woman who has an impossible list to fill that has more to do with satisfying her personal ambitions. I am speaking of expectations that align with the Word of God. If you are the righteousness of God, why settle for someone who expects you to go against God's standards? Why settle for someone who degrades you or who treats you as if you are undeserving of their time or affection? It's time to take a good look at the relationship you are in.

Ask yourself:
Do I draw strength from this relationship?
Are they encouraging me to become who God wants me to be?
Do I feel isolated from my peers, friends, family?
Am I encouraged to only participate in, pursue, or attatch myself to the things that make them happy?
Am I encouraged in public, admired in public, but ignored, berated or shunned in private?

These are signs of an unhealthy relationship. I encourage you to seek Godly professional counsel, especially if you are engaged or married. My prayer is that you would not just be in relationship because its convenient, or because you don't want to be alone, or because this is your very first relationship and you don't think anyone else will desire you. I want your relationship to be mutually beneficial, healthy, and God-honoring. There's nothing wrong with having expectations if they align with God's Word.

Unfortunately, there aren't alot of articles on this topic, but together, we can change that! Share this article with a friend that may be struggling with feelings of self-worth. Keep encouraging the women in your life to love God, love the beauty that God chose to reflect of Himself when He created them, and watch what God does in the process!

Blessings and Church <3